Category: Parent Talk
Part parenting part rant, here goes: I am tired of being told I have to put up with nonsense from my daughter because the police department or social services people will have me under arrest or in family court if I don't. This comes from everyone from native born acquaintances to the foreign born crowd my husband is part of, "You can't do that squid."
My response to that: Like hell I can't. This morning he & I got into an exchange, some co-worker of his let his young son get both ears pierced. My opinion is earrings are more for a female, I wouldn't allow this if I had a son instead. The ol' "Well you have to let 'em here otherwise social services will take him away."
Forget that...how do these folks explain those of us who discipline, even with a spank on the bottom, and we're not court involved, and the kids are fairly well behaved? It doesn't mean we're humiliating the kids or insulting 'em where it really does no one any good, or cruelly beating 'em with something other than a hand on the bum, but we don't give in to every desire and don't accept bad behavior, and the kids aren't that bad? My reservist friend has a teenaged sister in law from his mother in law's failed second marriage, and this girl tried to pull the ol' "I'll dial 9-1-1 if you spank me." Mom's response? "Here's the phone. Call 'em."
You don't have to put up with nonsense, IMO. Anyone truly afraid to enforce ANY kind of discipline may want to at least consider not having a child, as no discipline at all, spoiling really do no one any favors. What are you ladies' and gentlemens' ideas about child discipline? What methods work for you or don't work? Do you think false reports of child abuse are as common as some will have you think?
In at least this part of the country yeh, they are alot more common then they should be. I know this as a kid who actually had to deal with this. Often you can't get the help you need, because so many kids do these tipes of things. On top of that, it becomes easier for abusers to justify their actions like this, its so common, when the parent these days says "he's exadurating" it tends to be believed. In my opinion its just as bad as people crying wolf when it comes to rape or theft or what have you.
I've had absolutely no experience with "correctly administered corpral punishment" and I don't think I will use those methods with my children if I have any. This doesn't mean I'm out of options though. Consider the fact that most parents who use corpral punishment don't connect the punishment and the crime, and fail to educate their child. Punishment is as much about education as it is about addressing a wrong, and parents really need to capatolise on this effectively.
I completely agree with James here. I don't approve of corpral punishment either. That doesn't mean punishment in general is cruel or wrong. Having said that, it seems Social Services, at least in my experience, will gladly take a child out of a perfectly fine situation in which the parents are just very strict, but they fail to take them out of an abusive situation if it isn't physical. And no, I don't think personal atacks, whether physical or otherwise, are okay. Like James said, punishment should ultimately educate the kids. Verbally or physically attacking them will only teach them that lashing out is perfectly okay.
Yep, I've seen the same situation. then again, from what i've seen, the abusers are more commited to hiding their wrongs.
Either way, it isn't doing the kids any favors. I think the key is consistency. For example, if you say to your kid, "You will be sent to your room if I hear one more cuss from you", then do it. You can't give into their tantrums.
I've popped Chloe on the butt at times, but for the most part, I prefer time out, it gets her attention far better than spanking. I've learned this just recently. Popping her butt doesn't seem to work anymore, so I have asigned her a corner in the house for her to do her timeouts in. For 2 minutes I have her stand there, and if cps wants to make a stink about it, let them try.
I personally believe a child should be spanked up to about the age of 10, or 12, but spanking is not the whole deal. Other methods should be applied as well, such as have been posted. Some have posted that educating a child is what is required, and that is exactly what a spanking does, however, discipline must and needs to be a society, or community effet. When a child starts school he or he is educated of the fact if your parent spanks you to tell the authorities, and your parent will be punished. That education doesn’t come with levels of spanking, to abuse, but only sends the strong message that the child can get away with much and that his or her parent must be afraid of them, because they can tell, or even lie to get the parent disciplined. So the state put restraint on parents who have saved for a college fund, where the mother goes to the market and searches for the best foods to keep her baby healthy, uses cloth diapers instead of disposables, fathers coaches the little league teams, builds the tree house, they plan the sweet 16 parties, sacrifice so that their child can have a better life, and yes give him or her a spanking with love attached to it, because they want that child to grow up a responsible person and know respect and after they make all these sacrifices they wake up dead in their beds, because that child was educated that parents are only worth what you can get from them, and not that he or she should love them. They are sent to nursing homes, after wiping that child’s butt, because they can no longer wipe their own. If society, or community pitched in and took away the threat and started disciplining children completely, so that if a parent is trying their best, and that child goes out of the home and the community imposes the same rules and regulations on that child we’d have less trouble after these children grow in to adults with no respect for their neighbors. If society, community raised children we’d have fewer abusive parents, because these parents as children were taught values, respect. My opinion is idealistic I admit, due to cities, and communities being so large with varying religions, cultures, and such, but in smaller communities it works. The state needs to investagate a claim of abuse, and for the most part they do, but also they must make sure their “safe” parents aren’t worse than the parents they removed the child from. Again a society issue. Foster homes and foster parents treat the kids worse than the parent that maybe drank too much, but never raped the child. The police are put in the position of spanking more adults instead of the ones that are just bad seeds, so to speak. Teach a child the way it should go, and hopefully you will raise a responsible adult, but the question is have you been raised?
Ok, I'm not a parent, never been a parent, but I am young enough to remember how I felt when I was punished when I was a kid. Grounding. absolutely pointless, and even more pointless today then when I was a kid. You send your kid to their room, so they sit on their computer, if you take that, they watch tv, if you take that too, they listen to music, if you take that, they read. The only thing it teaches them is to be resourceful in ways to entertain themselves for the time you ground them. Time out, yeah, it works when your three, not when your twelve. Spanking can work, if its done logically, I'll explain.
Lets say you have two kids, one hits the other, spanking them is now illogical. Basically what your saying is, I'm hitting you because you hit your sister, so don't hit your sister cuz I'll hit you if you do, and hitting is wrong, except when I do it to punish you for doing it. Kids are smart enough to understand double standards, don't think they aren't.
My mother would always connect the punishment with the crime, and only spank us if she had to. If my mother threatened to spank me, I knew I was doing wrong, and I stopped. My father on the other hand, did it too often, and it lost its effectiveness.
As for the police and CPS getting involved, that is so idiotic, how can one parent tell another how they should raise their kids.
And finally, boys, should never, ever get both ears pierced. We're not girls. One ear, sure, go for it if that's what your in to. Both, turn in your man card.
I have no probelm with spanking if it is done correctly as others have mentioned. I haven't had to spank my son in several years but believe me, he knew why he was getting popped on the pamper when it happened. As he's gotten older, it's been easier to find more natural consequences to his misbehavior.
This whole fear of disciplining ones children has gotten way out of hand.
Personally I find threatening to withhold something, especially if it's a party or social event, to be effective. For example, "Mimi, if you don't brush your teeth we're not going to a playground", or "If you don't do as I ask I'll call ___ and cancel your going to their party". This produces results, spanking when all else fails, although I think the effectiveness of spanking is decreased if it's used too often, or out of the wrong context, as others have pointed out, so I try first other methods.
A spanking is used with all else fails, such as when you say "go to your room" and the child doesn't move. But again given with love attached, never in anger.
I knew a man who had what I think was a wonderful system for knowing if a spanking is necessary or not. If the pain of what would have happened to the cild, was greater than that of the spanking, then a spanking is necessary. To illustrate, his daughter, when she was young once snuck out of the house and was walking out into the street when he noticed her. She was too young to cross safely, so she was in a lot of danger, he spanked her for that and explained why. I like this system, and will probably use it if I have children.
Some very good points here. Thanks for sharing. Personally, when I was 2 or 3, I hated being spanked, and would do almost anything to avoid it. However, when I got older, I saw spanking as a sign of weakness, like my parents were spanking me because they weren't creative enough to come up with other, and better methods. I agree with the person who says withholding things is very affective, because it was always what I hated the most as a punishment. However, I don't agree with taking said thing away for an extended period of time. For example, if my mom said to me, "Clean your room, and do your chores, or I will take your computer away", she should be taking the computer away until I finish doing whatever it was I failed to do, not for a week or a month, unless, of course, it becomes a common misbehavior on my part.
I don't really agree with spanking. there are other methods.
I agree. I find-at least with the kids I've taken care of, time outs work kbest. I would never spank a child, no matter what. i guess it stems from the abuse I suffered at the hands of someone who should have loved me parentally when I was younger. Thankfully I was rescued from that situation, but I still have emotional scars. I will never do that to my future children.